I often wonder if my ‘gut’ feeling can be trusted or whether I am being judgemental or too quick to form an opinion. So when I get one of those reactions to someone that tells me – this person is not right for me, or this person is someone I don’t like, I wait. I decide to give them a chance.
I met another nice bloke online. He seemed polite and honest and we had enjoyed cyber chatting. But there were a couple of little things that didn’t sit quite right with me. Then we talked on the phone and I had a couple more reservations – something about his manner was off-putting. My internal ‘radar detector’ was going off and telling me, ‘this isn’t going to work’.
I didn’t want to listen to it, maybe it was wrong, maybe I was jumping to conclusions too fast, maybe I should give him a chance, my radar detector might not be accurate.
We met for coffee. He was a nice guy, we talked non-stop – about, religion, relationships, people. The two hours in the coffee shop went quickly. But, you guessed it, no spark. My gut feeling about a couple of things, like his attitude to finances. was pretty accurate.. And he smelt a bit. I don’t know what the smell was but it clung to him. Nice bloke, no spark, not the one for me. Gut instinct – tick number one.
I play trivia with a group of friends at the local pub. A new lady started coming. I didn’t like her. Not one bit. I couldn’t tell you exactly why, but it was the way she dressed, the way she walked, the way she held herself. My gut instinct told me this was not someone I wanted anything to do with.
I saw her again a couple of weeks later and she sat at the same table as me so I had the chance to observe her more closely and even talk to her. The gut feeling got stronger.
The next time I saw her I was able to be a little more specific in the things I didn’t like. She completely ignored me, she was dressed up like a tart – mutton dressed as lamb – and flirting with all the guys in the trivia team.
All except one. He was sitting by himself so I thought I would be friendly and sat next to him for a chat. He starts telling me a bit about himself and then points to that woman. ‘She’s my wife and it is a ‘bit complicated’!
Three sentences of further explanation later I ask him, ‘does she have a personality disorder?’.
‘Yes, I found out a month ago.’ Gut instinct – tick number two.
Bloody hell, I couldn’t really put my finger on why I had such a reaction to that lady from the very first time I saw her but my gut was screaming at me to keep away from her. Just like my first husband, she has a mixture of Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I picked the warning signs without even knowing it.
The husband is confused and has no-one to talk to about it. I might finally be able to ‘pay it forward’ and help this guy with the knowledge I have gained about living with and leaving someone with a personality disorder.
And what I have learned is that I really can and should be trusting my gut.