Posted by: frogstale | July 6, 2013

Iceberg truth

Iceberg truth

My ex husband, James, demonstrates many behaviours associated with personality disorders including compulsive lying.  James has perfected the technique of using one or two factual statements that, while on the surface may seem correct, hide the real truth that lies beneath.

Let’s take his statement that Frogs Tale wouldn’t let me take the children on holiday to Bali. Technically he is correct.  I didn’t agree to the children flying unaccompanied to Bali.

So what was the truth that lay beneath?  He told (not asked) me 9 months before the planned holiday, that he was going to fly the children to Bali and meet them there.  According to our orders I have to agree to overseas trips and not ‘unreasonably’ withhold my permission. I emailed back that I didn’t agree to the unaccompanied bit but did give permission if he took them himself.

I never received a response.  No more was said about it until we were in court ordered mediation one month before he had planned to go.  We came to an agreement with the help of the mediator.  He agreed to fly with the children (so they didn’t have arrive alone and worry about being met there) and I agreed they could fly back without him.  A great compromise.  The children were safe, they all got their trip and it was a win-win for everyone.

Did it happen?  No.  James had left it too late and no suitable flights were available.  In addition, during mediation he had chosen the airline company he wanted the children to fly home on.  I had done my homework and phoned them beforehand to be told they don’t take  unaccompanied children.  Despite me telling him that during the mediation, he told me I was wrong.  No.  I wasn’t!  So not only did he leave the booking too late, but the airline he insisted they fly back on wouldn’t take them unaccompanied anyway.  So the children didn’t go.

James told the children ‘We couldn’t go to Bali because Mum wouldn’t let you’

The court paperwork James recently produced is full of statements of semi facts and distorted truths, that standing alone, make me look nasty and him a saint.

I now have the job of addressing the lies, distortions and fabrications that are the truth behind the statements.  I have to reveal the bulk of the iceberg that lies beneath the deceptively small tip.  The iceberg truth.



  1. I completely relate to your story.

  2. Just came across this post…very similar to a visual that I posted recently:

    I can relate to how their carelessness, lack of proper planning, and simple laziness can all be attributed to us…the heartless, selfish Ex. I say that in jest, of course. It all goes back to their inability to accept accountability for anything, all the while blaming us for their failures…even ones they had before we ever came into the picture.

    • The image and metaphor is a really good one for PD’s and particularly narcissistic PD. The rest of the world sees the tip, the mask, the person they want to appear to be. But the real dark menacing side is all under the surface. Only those unfortunate enough to get close enough are sideswiped and then sunk by the darkness underneath. As I write, the more I love the image. Maybe that should be the picture on the front of the book!

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