Posted by: frogstale | August 15, 2013

Negative Advocates

I am in court today with ex hubbie # 1 – the one with the personality disorder.

It is 5 1/2 years of a long story and can’t all be told here – it deserves a book of its own – but we are now hopefully at end of this particular court process.

We are at court to make new orders for the children to spend time with him.  We have agreed three times on orders but he has refused to sign any paperwork and then changes all the agreements.  He had one set of lawyers who disappeared after he failed to turn up to a court hearing to prosecute me for disobeying the orders on one occasion.  (I actually didn’t break the orders but never got a chance to prove it!).

He now has a new lawyer, a young lady, who it appears has taken on his own passive aggressive, contemptious behaviour towards me.  She has become a negative advocate.  Bill Eddy of the High Conflict Institute has described it in an article entitled When Helping Hurts.

My ex has found a second lawyer who will do exactly what he asks and who believes all the lies he tells her.  Why do I know this?  Because of her behaviour towards me.

For example – my ex likes to do things at the last possible minute as he knows I prefer to be prepared and have time to organise things.  So he DELIBERATELY goads.  His lawyer appears to be doing the same.

I was approached by his second lawyer in November 2012 to negotiate new orders (after I had already agreed to new orders in September but ex wouldn’t sign the agreement).  I agreed to negotiate.  The next court date was March 13 2013.  When did she send me paperwork?  March 12 2013!  I tried to negotiate with her on the morning of the court appearance but the paperwork was so different from what was agreed and so ridiculously controlling on his part that we stopped after a few minutes.

She had left it so late to lodge the court ordered paperwork that it wasn’t in the Judge’s possession when we appeared before him.  He asked where it was and she had to tell him she had lodged it only the day before.  He looked at me and asked me if I had seen it.  When I told him that I had received it only the night before – I knew my ex and his lawyer had been caught out!

Ex approached me the following May and asked to come to an agreement – I met him and agreed on orders again – very similar to those I already agreed to the previous September.  When did I get the paperwork for that?  9pm on a Friday evening.  On the Monday morning him, me and the kids had an appointment for a Family Report (a court appointed psychologist interviews all the parties and makes a recommendation as to how to proceed to the Judge.)  I didn’t have time to look at that paperwork over the weekend either.

Report is fair and reasonable, and I am happy to sign all the recommendations made by the court and tell his lawyer that – several weeks ago.  Next court date is today.  When does she approach me?  I get sent an email at 11am yesterday (while I am at work and don’t check personal emails).  She asked me to meet her an hour before the court appearance to ‘go through the amendments to the Orders. This should allow enough time to consider the amendments, discuss any issues in dispute and sign the documents prior to the listing of the matter.’

What the!  One hour to go read, think about, discuss and sign paperwork.  I don’t think so.  She didn’t even send a copy of the paperwork with the email for me to look at this morning before I go to court.  She is acting as passively aggressive as he is.

Does she think this is going to get a resolution or is just to piss me off and wind me up hoping that I will agree because I don’t want another court appearance.

It won’t work.  I will take as long as I need to look over this paperwork and won’t be pressured into signing anything I don’t want to.

I have a lot more to say about this subject …..  but I need to get ready to go to court now.

Stay posted for what happens today.



  1. […] Negative Advocates ( […]

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