My ex with a personality disorder wrote to me about ‘needing’ to pick up the boys from the airport. No please. No thank you. Just demanding. When he didn’t like my response he phoned our eldest son and asked him to ask me. See Benefit of the Doubt.
I don’t NEED to pick them up at all. New family court orders specifically say he has to arrange to bring them home. I can choose to pick them up and had he asked me (not the children) in a reasonable manner, it really wouldn’t have been a problem. But he didn’t.
I have learned over the years that reacting straight away when I am still angry or resentful achieves nothing. When I calm down I can respond, if a response is even necessary, from a far better place, but many times I don’t even need to do that.
This time I remembered that I have repeatedly told him if he tries to pass on messages through the children, I will ignore them (the messages, not the children!). I also remembered that I had counselled my 16 year old son to say to his Dad ‘Can you please ask Mum yourself’ any time he tries. Unfortunately that is a little difficult for him because I think he is afraid how his dad will react.
On this occasion I decided no response was necessary.
A week later the next email arrives:
The boys arrive back at 5.30pm so you can pick them up.
He has done it again. Not asked me, not been polite, just demanded.
Lisa explains to Patrick’s brother why she isn’t going to react to paparazzi reports and photos announcing Patrick’s death when he is still very much alive.
‘Trust me, it doesn’t feel good now, but we’re going to take the high road. You’ll see, it may be years from now, but you’ll see that it was the right choice’. And making the right choice for you as a human being doesn’t always give you instant gratification. But in the long run, it matters, to you.
I had already decided to make the right choice. I am going to pick up the children.
I am very angry at how he has treated me and put the children in the middle. I want to resist his efforts to control and manipulate me. I could do that to spite him, but instead I will pick them up DESPITE him.