Posted by: frogstale | February 15, 2014

Narc Decoder

Life has been quiet on the Narcissistic Ex front recently.

I had to rush overseas with the children for my Dad who is very sick, and thank goodness our new court orders allowed me to do that without seeking permission from the Ex.  It was a pain free exercise to arrange the flights and inform him we were going.  There was nothing nasty or threatening he could write back when I told him the boy’s Grandfather was dying and we were going over to see him (and it was covered by the orders).

It took him nearly a week to acknowledge my email and express concern for my father.

How different from the emails that normally come back from him immediately he reads them and has something to say to me – like threatening to report something stolen to the police which he had given to his son! (See I Stole a Phone)

We went, we came back, no calls, no emails, no nothing.  What peace.

But the peace has been shattered again.

He asked the boys if they wanted to go on a trip interstate with him for a weekend.  They say yes. He books flights.

I am not consulted nor informed of anything.  I know what is going on only from what the children tell me.

I am thinking to myself ‘how are the boys going to get to the airport?’

I learned my lesson from last time.   (See In spite not despite)

Don’t ask, don’t say anything, wait for it to unfold.  And I have already decided THIS TIME I will not be manipulated into doing the pickups and drop offs.  I will wait to be asked and will do so only if it suits.  Maybe he is going to take them?  I don’t know, nothing has been said.

So this afternoon I get the first email about this.

The Boys coming to XXX on Saturday march 1st and returning Sunday 2nd march . Son 1 has the itinerary.flying xxxx.they are on girlfriend’s staff travel which is standby so the flights may change slightly. I will let you know which flight they are on when they get confirmed boarding passes.

Let’s use the Narc Decoder (care of One Mom’s Battle) and see what he is really saying ………

  • I am not going to tell you the time of the flights and they could be anytime
  • I am not going to tell you if I am taking the children or expecting you to take and pick them up from the airport
  • I am going to leave it until the last minute to spring it on you and have you on standby ANYTIME
  • You shouldn’t have a life of your own – you should be available to ferry the children around at my convenience and when I choose to tell you
  • I am not going to give you the respect of using your name on emails nor asking you politely – I am going to just manipulate you into it, knowing that you do everything for the boys and won’t let them get to and from the airport by themselves – there’s no need for me to ask


I am not going to write back and I am going to see how this plays itself out.


  1. I’m looking forward to the follow up! It took a long time for me to finally let NN be responsible for picking up the kids to begin parenting time…always complaining about having too far to drive (we live in a small town where nothing is more than 20 minutes away)

    • Oh God they are so the same. Mine has complained about the pick ups and drop offs for 6 years now. He wont bring them home 40 minutes even though he chose to live 40 minutes away (while he is in this City – complicated story as he is in a fly in fly out job and has houses all around the country). On one occasion I told him about the kids social activities a weekend he had them which involved many drop offs and pick ups. He responded that he didn’t mind ferrying the children around (implying of course that I did) but when it came to it, the kids both came home early and he didn’t have to do any of it. They are full of horseshit and entitlement and only want to be ‘seen’ to do the right thing – if it involves putting themselves out at all – they won’t do it. I will let you know what happens.

  2. Way to stand strong, sister!

    • Thanks – I know that others who don’t understand would think I should just do it, but I know if I keep giving in to his manipulations it will just get worse. Will keep you informed.

      • Wow! That is exactly where I am at!!! After 3 1/2 years… I am tired of being the one that always compromises and keeps getting screwed. My lawyer says he’ll look really bad in court. Well, we notified N that I am putting in a Court App… yes, it would expose that he is not sticking to the court order, that he is denying his son of fun and vacation time and trying to force me to take him to put him in daycare even though I take almost every one of my parenting days off on vacation to be with my child over the summer. So N’s lawyer comes back with a “consent order” that is expecting me to “sign off” and it is MORE BS and MORE DEMANDS to suit the N’s needs. So, I have a few thoughts. The N knows, I am going to freak out on the “consent order”. He knows I am not going to sign it off so why even send it? This is why, because he knows, I hate conflict, he knows I lost the last two times in court and prefer not to put in that Court Application, he knows I can’t afford legal fees, that I can’t stand the sight of him, that I see right through him…

        He also knows if it goes to court he will be exposed… so why is his proposed “consent order” so far from what I would sign? Any advise? I am going to tell my lawyer to go ahead with the Court Application. Well, right now that’s what I think… Thoughts?

      • Hi Bernice. There is no easy answer. Are you able to self represent in court? I did that. It was difficult emotionally but I knew what I was doing (sort of) and knew I was in the right. I also thought that he would drag things out and make sure it was really expensive for me if I had a lawyer.

        It isn’t easy but that might be a good option for you if you can. Mine threatened me with court when I didn’t send the kids one Xmas – for very good reason and endorsed by another lawyer – and I think he was calling my bluff. I had always caved in in the past and let him get away with a lot. I didn’t this time. It cost him heaps and he lost eventually.

        So yes, my advice would be take him to court for contravening the orders, get new orders and do it by self representing if you can. Putting in an application is a long way from having your day in court and it could get sorted out prior to that. He probably thinks you won’t bother and will get a shock.

        Hope this helps.

  3. […] (See Narc Decoder) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: