Posted by: frogstale | February 20, 2014

Infidelity is always a Choice

An article in Psychology Today talks about infidelity always being a choice – whatever the reasons leading up to it.   I wasn’t looking for an affair it just happened.

The point of the article is that no-one ever just finds themselves accidentally having an affair.  It is always a series of steps at which a choice ‘shall I or shan’t I’ is made.  Don’t let anyone ever tell you they couldn’t help it, or they didn’t mean to.

There are a lot of comments on the article and if you plough through them some are cheaters justifying their behaviour.

Isn’t it interesting that those who cheated almost always find a way to ‘justify’ it because of something their spouse did to cause it.  How many ever look inside themselves?  If you get married or in a long term relationship and a spoken or unspoken value is fidelity – then you should be working on the issues of the relationship and get help.  If you don’t want to be with your partner – leave. Then find someone else.  There is never a justifiable excuse to cheat.

However one thing that the article doesn’t point out is that catching your partner cheating is not just about the infidelity.  It is also about the lying and deceit that is involved.  You can’t cheat without doing both those as well.  In the end the lying and double life is what kills the relationship – because don’t we all go into long term relationships because we trust our partner – and trust is a keystone to a good relationship.

My ex husband used ‘addiction’ as an excuse for his cheating.  And I let him, until I realised that his lying and dishonesty was actually an even bigger reason to leave the marriage than being unfaithful.

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Responses

  1. It’s so unnecessary isn’t it? I will never understand the psychology behind getting married and cheating other than old fashioned have-your-cake-and-eat-it-ness.

    • There are many reasons – one is a personality disorder – like I think my ex has. He obviously had no conscience because at the end of our marriage he revealed he had cheated on and off the whole time. I thought he was a sex addict and it was only after I left him and our divorce was horrendous that I learned about personality disorders – and he fits the bill completely.

      Only someone without a conscience would do something as bad as that and be OK with it.

      I think some people are also just unhappy but don’t have the courage to do anything about it. A very good friend of mine has cheated. She is in an unhappy marriage and I don’t agree with what she has done, but have seen her go through the steps to get to that point. She could have said no at every step and didn’t. I still love her as a friend, but I don’t agree with her choices. I also understand why it is so difficult for her to leave or change the relationship (he has some sort of personality disorder too).

      As you get older you learn how tough life can be and how difficult some choices are to make.

      I will stand by her because she is my friend, and hope that one day she finds the courage to leave. However that path is a tough one too.

  2. All true and well put, but drama I personally avoid like the plague.

  3. Fortunately I am not involved in my friend’s drama – and she has stopped. I want to be there to support my friend, she is going through hell (we actually like a bird in a gilded cage) and once she does decide to leave I know how bad that feels and she will need her friends.

  4. Thank you for sticking up for the cheated, etc. I’ve nominated you for the Liebster Award in recognition for your blog posts related to domestic abuse. Details on today’s post on “Moms’ Hearts Unsilenced” 😀

    • Thank you so much for that and congratulations to you for getting one yourself. When I get a chance I will do the Award thing but finding time right now is a bit tough.


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