I haven’t talked much about my relationship with my second husband with Aspergers. It has been unfolding the whole time I have been blogging. Maybe because it is too painful to share.
I found a community of people who understand what I am dealing with when co-parenting with a personality disordered ex. (Thank you!)
I haven’t yet found that sense of peace and understanding when the relationship involves a husband with Aspergers. One site I found was a bit helpful but the overwhelming feeling was that it just isn’t possible to have a relationship with someone with Aspergers. Because I was still trying I couldn’t deal with all the negativity.
Of course, that brings up parallels with those of us who tried to have relationships with Narcissists or Sociopaths. The overwhelming advice given – and one which I wholeheartedly endorse – is run for your life after preparing as much as you can. That may seem just as negative – but it really isn’t possible to have a relationship that is healthy with a non diagnosed person with a personality disorder.
That same advice doesn’t hold for Asperger relationships. I think it is possible to have a meaningful relationship with someone with Aspergers. But. And there are a lot of buts.
- but not if it is a second marriage
- but not if you have children that aren’t shared biologically
- but not if you haven’t thoroughly talked about your values and hopes for the future
- but not if he doesn’t want it as much as you
- but not if he isn’t prepared to put in some effort to maintain it
…. and the list goes on.
I have tried. I have given up many hopes, dreams and expectations from this marriage – and it still isn’t enough.
Just like my first marriage – lack of empathy and understanding is the key to the reason it is failing.
My second husband just doesn’t ‘get it’. No matter how hard I try to be understanding, reasonable, explain, even email because he prefers the written word to talking – he makes assumptions and judgements about me that are not correct. Not all – and I know I am far from perfect – but the big ones he does make that are so off the planet wrong – hang over our relationship and colour everything.
I can’t be with a man who feels that way about me anymore.
What I have also learned is that whatever the root cause for the lack of empathy – be it a personality disorder or Aspergers – the end result is the same. An unsustainable relationship unless you like being a doormat.
I have to finally learn to respect myself enough to know that I am flogging a dead horse – and I don’t think I can be a doormat anymore.