Posted by: frogstale | February 25, 2014

Just friends?

My Asperger’s husband and I just can’t make this marriage work.  We have tried.  Broken up and got back together 3 or 4 times.  Longest was 3 months apart.

But not really apart and that is the issue.

When we broke up for 3 months he had no job and no money, so he moved into the spare room in the garage.

It was really tough.  I did then, and still do, have feelings for him.  I love the man I married, the man who makes me laugh, who is kind, generous, intelligent.  But it seems his inability to understand how to maintain a relationship, the give and take of a marriage, the sharing of intimacy, the little white lies to keep your partner happy, the ability to listen and learn, empathy, all those important things, are missing.

When we aren’t argueing and he is being his calm un-anxious self – I love him.  I am attracted to him.  I want to touch him, hug him, kiss him.

As well as Aspergers, he has Alexithymia – difficulty experiencing, expressing and describing emotional responses.  Sometimes he says he feels nothing.

So for him moving downstairs, but living in the same house was easy.  All the demands of a relationship gone – just the things he could cope with left.

  • A companion when he wanted it, but he could do his own thing
  • Someone to talk to when he felt like it
  • Someone to cook for him

So last time he did that, he felt better and it was easier for the man I fell in love with to emerge from the angry, anxious, unhappy, self absorbed man he had become.

It was hard for me to be around him and when I told him how hard it was (we were going on an already planned holiday and decided to continue anyway) he told me it was hard for him too and he missed the intimacy.  So of course, the holiday reignited the passion and we got back together again.

It has taken another 6 months, and me being away for 3 weeks overseas, for it to fall apart again.  He didn’t miss me, he liked having the place to himself to indulge in his special interest – Facebook and Photography.  He gorged on it while we were away.  And when we got back he couldn’t tell a white lie and say he missed me.  He couldn’t pretend he was looking forward to us coming back.  And he told me that.

So, 4 weeks later after trying to make it work, a silly argument that got out of hand led him to announcing he would move back downstairs again.  And he has.

This time he has a job though.  But I don’t want him to leave.  I like having him here.  The kids like having him here.  We can be friends.  Maybe.  For him it is easy.  For me it is tough – I still love him.  I still have feelings.  I don’t know if I can do it.

I will have to take this one day at a time.

Can I be ‘just friends’?

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Responses

  1. That is such a difficult position to be put in. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. This must be incredibly draining, emotionally and physically. Remember to take time to take care of yourself.

    • Thank you for your kind and thoughtful comment. It is hard but I am strong and I have got through worse, so I will get through this too.

  2. I can relate…tried to do something like that with my first spouse-after all, a lot of older people live like this…What I found was that hanging onto a dead marriage, I was not able to move forward with life…I wanted to love and be loved, to better myself through education…of course, then I ended up with the narc (I should have finished that divorce recovery program)…I have known people who have held on (as long as there is no abuse), and waited until the kids were grown. I am still friends with first spouse-not with narc spouse…It is about what you believe and want for your life…nothing is easy….sending good thoughts your way

    • Thank you for your thoughts. It isn’t easy but I know that both the kids and I like having him around. Two boys – need a father figure – and their biological father is only around for the good times (holidays and weekends) and they need that stable male influence. The like him, my eldest probably loves him, more even than his Dad. I don’t want to lose the good parts of what we had. We can be friends. His Aspergers just doesn’t let him manage a relationship well.

      He explained it a bit better to me today – and I might post that. I understand now and it is due to finding out he has Aspergers.

      I just couldn’t have picked it and I need to leg go of the anger at myself for not making a good choice – again. How could I have known. He hid it so well. He didn’t even know.

      It shows though that even when finishing a marriage it is possible to be friends – you and I have both done that. But Narcs make that absolutely impossible. At least this shows my boys it doesn’t have to be the way it is with their father.

      Thank you again. FT

  3. I held on to a relationship for 13 years with my aspergers partner but it just got too much since being a realtionship with narcopath i have looked back on my first relationship and have even missed it but then i remember the reason it didnt work we grew apart he was too wrapped up in his latest obsession he would spend hours and hours fixing bikes ,computers ,phones whatever he could and watching his programmes he would say be was going to the shop and would come back hours later and the fights got physical sometimes due to anger and fustration on both sides he still hasnt moved on 4 years later and still says he wants to come home and although i miss the good side and no matter how sorry he is he uses the aspergers as an excuse for everything since he got the diagnosis and as i now how children with a narcopath it could never work as much as he wants it to .I am asking myself how i ended up with children with 2 men that have no empathy they both expect me to hold it together and be the strong one and take care of all there demands and live up to their expectations i am finding it harder as my children are getting more and more demanding and even though my aspergers ex says he would like me in his life and has caused problems with my narcopath partner unintentionally just because he doesnt understand why he cant be in my life even if its just as freinds i know that if i give an inch he will take a mile fact it just cant work i also know that if this relationship that i am clinging onto with my personality disordered on and off partner doesnt work we can also never be freinds it would have to be no contact because its too painful and for the record they both hate esch other with a passion and god help me if they ever came to fight they would both never give in i know that and it scares me at times how i got in this mess ..


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