My Asperger’s husband and I just can’t make this marriage work. We have tried. Broken up and got back together 3 or 4 times. Longest was 3 months apart.
But not really apart and that is the issue.
When we broke up for 3 months he had no job and no money, so he moved into the spare room in the garage.
It was really tough. I did then, and still do, have feelings for him. I love the man I married, the man who makes me laugh, who is kind, generous, intelligent. But it seems his inability to understand how to maintain a relationship, the give and take of a marriage, the sharing of intimacy, the little white lies to keep your partner happy, the ability to listen and learn, empathy, all those important things, are missing.
When we aren’t argueing and he is being his calm un-anxious self – I love him. I am attracted to him. I want to touch him, hug him, kiss him.
As well as Aspergers, he has Alexithymia – difficulty experiencing, expressing and describing emotional responses. Sometimes he says he feels nothing.
So for him moving downstairs, but living in the same house was easy. All the demands of a relationship gone – just the things he could cope with left.
- A companion when he wanted it, but he could do his own thing
- Someone to talk to when he felt like it
- Someone to cook for him
So last time he did that, he felt better and it was easier for the man I fell in love with to emerge from the angry, anxious, unhappy, self absorbed man he had become.
It was hard for me to be around him and when I told him how hard it was (we were going on an already planned holiday and decided to continue anyway) he told me it was hard for him too and he missed the intimacy. So of course, the holiday reignited the passion and we got back together again.
It has taken another 6 months, and me being away for 3 weeks overseas, for it to fall apart again. He didn’t miss me, he liked having the place to himself to indulge in his special interest – Facebook and Photography. He gorged on it while we were away. And when we got back he couldn’t tell a white lie and say he missed me. He couldn’t pretend he was looking forward to us coming back. And he told me that.
So, 4 weeks later after trying to make it work, a silly argument that got out of hand led him to announcing he would move back downstairs again. And he has.
This time he has a job though. But I don’t want him to leave. I like having him here. The kids like having him here. We can be friends. Maybe. For him it is easy. For me it is tough – I still love him. I still have feelings. I don’t know if I can do it.
I will have to take this one day at a time.
Can I be ‘just friends’?