Posted by: frogstale | March 9, 2014

Wrong Choices

choice

‘Is this Charlie’s mum?’ 

‘Yes’

‘This is the police, we have your son here, he has been caught with three friends in one of the classrooms at school.  You need to come down here and pick him up.  He may be charged with Breaking and Entering.’

We all make wrong choices but some have far greater consequences than others.

My Narcissist/Sociopathic ex-husband made wrong choices when he decided not to use condoms when cheating on me.  There are twin girls in the world without a father as a consequence of those choices.

Our 13 year old son has also made bad choices.  He chose to sneak out of the house at 3am and meet up with a girl and he got found by the police and brought home on that occasion.  (See I told you so)

He made another bad choice today.

He chose to go with a some friends into a locked classroom in his old school,  one of the friends who I won’t have in my house because he is disrespectful, rude and badly behaved.

He chose to go with him because ‘it would be fun’.

That choice led to him being caught by the police and the possibility of going to Children’s Court and getting a criminal conviction.

Just like his father, he is making wrong choices.

His personality is just like his father’s too and I worry that he has a personality disorder like his Dad.

So how much effect does my upbringing have on him?  I have taught him how important it is to tell the truth, that there are always consequences for his choices, what the right choice looks like and to think about how other people will feel with the choices he makes (empathy).

But it seems nature may be winning over nurture.

Is he destined to turn out like his Dad and nothing I do will make any difference?

Is it possible that this will give him a big enough fright that he will now start making the right choices?

Only time will tell.

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Responses

  1. I am so glad you posted this, although it was difficult to read. I worry about my stepson- a lot. He is mother is a narcissist (in my view) and he continues to display a “the world SHOULD take care of me” attitude and continues to blame EVERYONE when he has poor behaviors. It is frightening to witness and to feel as if no matter what you do, you can’t break through that shell.

    • Hi Kimberley. It is frightening and what is most frightening is that I can only do my best to help him but in the end it is his choices.

      But one thing you said gave me hope – my son admitted it was a wrong choice and did not blame anyone else. That has given me food for thought and sets him apart from his Father.

      I can only wait and see how this plays out and you can only do that with your stepson too. How old is your stepson? Other people who have had difficult teenagers say this is normal teenage behaviour.

      But you and I and others with personality disordered parents in the mix worry that it is more than just that.

      I spoke to an onlline counsellor who said I am in for a rough ride for the next few years! Sounds like you are too.

  2. This age is so tough because teenagers are trying to find themselves and their unique identities.

    When I was growing up, my sister, cousin, and myself were spending a week at our grandmother’s house. Nearby was a run-down school that was no longer in use. We started going there to use the playground equipment, but one day we decided to break one of the windows and go inside. We weren’t thinking we could get into trouble, we saw it as an adventure. Imagine our surprise when, one day, as we were playing inside the old school, we saw through one of the upper-floor windows that repair men were fixing the window while we were still inside. After they left, we had to re-break it because there was no other way to get out (the doors were chained). We felt badly about it and didn’t go back inside..

    My sister was rather rebellious when she was around that age, 13. She used to sneak out and do stuff that our mom found unacceptable. She is now building upon her Nursing degree and is half-way through college to be a Crime Scene Investigator.

    So, maybe he is just trying to find himself…maybe it’s part of his personality that will later calm down and be re-directed into productive things 🙂 Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

    • Thanks for sharing that Kim.

      He may well be just a normal lost teenager, missing his Dad and exploring his personality. Trouble is of course, when you know his genetic heritage and he acts like his personality disordered dad there is more to worry about.

      I think it is going to be a rough ride over the next few years but hopefully he will settle down after that.!

      Hope is a wonderful thing sometimes!

  3. I have two adult children (26 and 24)…the teen years are grueling…I plowed through it, reaching out wherever I could for support…I let them go at 18 – knowing that I had done the best I could. They had to make their own mistakes – during the teen years, they had some accountability to me…at 18 they were accountable only to themselves. I always let them know that I loved them and I was concerned about their choices, but it didn’t do much good at the time. Now, years later, they are both hardworking, empathetic, caring adults. The relationship I have with them is a blessing!

    • Thanks for your thoughts Armyofangels. I know this is a long haul and we are only at the beginning. I suppose my concerns are focussed on the possibility he has a personality disorder and I see all his behaviours through that lense.

      I need to try not to worry so much and just take each day at a time – learned that at the SAnon group I went to (12 steps for partners of sex addicts!)

  4. Oh buddy,you are having a tough time right now aren’t you?
    Just remember you have instilled the lessons of life to him. You have taught him right and wrong. You have taught him that decisions come with consequences, good or bad ones. You have put expectations on him. And most of all you have taught him love, compassion and respect AND Love.

    You are a good mother, woman and wife. Sometimes all you can do is just sit back and let the cards fall as they may and watch your loved ones struggle from the sidelines.
    Try to take some time for yourself this weekend, treat yourself to something special. And just know your doing the right thing and your friends are here for you!

    • Hey Overit – thanks for the support. Intellectually I know I am doing my best but it is hard to see your children make bad choices and suffer consequences. We all want to protect our children but there are many things we just can’ do for them.

      Been out shopping with two girlfriends this morning – so took your advice.

      Thanks

      • Hey friend,,I emailed you back did you get it?

  5. […] That is what James, my Narcissistic/Sociopathic ex husband, said to our 13 year old son Charlie, on learning that he had been caught by the police in his old school and could be charged with Breaking and Entering. (See Wrong Choices) […]

  6. I am glad I found your blog due to Persia, it pains me to see so many people suffering, the same suffering that I can relate to, children of people with diagnosed personality disorders or undiagnosed issues that present like a personality disorders trigger emotions and fear. Can we break this destructive cycle? I think we have a shot. I know that choice and environment play a large role in it all so I wish you all the best in loving and validating your son while maintaining firm boundaries so he can have an ordered as opposed to a disordered life.


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