Posted by: frogstale | June 22, 2014

What do you do when your child is becoming his personality disordered father?

I don’t know what to do.  I am losing my 13 year old son to the dark side.  He lies, then covers it up with another lie and thinks I don’t realise it is a lie.  Then turns his words around to ‘I meant ….’ ‘I thought ….’.  He thinks little lies to cover big lies are OK.  He blames me for things he has done.  The latest is in relation to signing up for extra sports.

He already plays sports on Saturday and goes to training twice a week.  He wanted to do another sport on Sunday which involved 2 more nights of training, somewhere he can’t walk to.  He promised me when I reluctantly agreed to let him go, that I wouldn’t need to take him to training and the game as he would arrange it himself.

Eight weeks later, when he can’t get a lift from his friends he tells me ‘they are getting fed up of taking me’ ‘you won’t take me because you can’t be bothered’.  i have been taking him, most weekends.  But I just got back from another flying visit to the other side of the world for my Dad and I am jet lagged and tired.  He also lied to me last night about a party he went to and getting a lift home.  I am very angry with him.

I have this terrible sense of deja vu.  I left his father because he was a liar and a cheat.  I couldn’t trust him to ever tell me the truth.  My mantra was ‘say what you mean and mean what you say’ and he couldn’t do that.

Now my son is doing the same.  How do I deal with this?  I don’t want him in my life – I can’t live with another liar who blames me for everything.  I just can’t do it.  How do you ‘leave’ your 13 year old son?  And the fact that I even feel this way is so deeply upsetting and disturbing.  I don’t know how to deal with my feelings or him.

I want him to be better than his father, to grow up knowing that lying will get you into more trouble and is just WRONG.  I want him to learn personal responsibility and empathy.  I have tried but I am getting nowhere.  Am I just banging my head against a brick wall and his genetics will always triumph in the end?

There are no answers, just more and more questions.

 

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Responses

  1. He’s 13 and narcissism is part of natural normal teenage development, get into family therapy and don’t jump the gun so quick. Teenagers will drive you crazy…open up the lines of communication I am sure he’s seen a lot. Recognize that then take the bull by the horns and do the work. Sucks but it is what it is, and by the time you realize it, if you miss a step then it will be too late, nip it in the bud…I went through the same thing, teenage behavior can be triggering but leave the diagnosing up to professionals, I’m sure this is just typical manipulative teenage B.S. All the best!

  2. If you seriously see symptoms of a personality disorder in your son you should take him to a psychiatrist. In the worst case scenario that he does suffer from a disorder or illness he can be treated with medication and therapy. In the past being diagnosed with a personality disorder meant that you would carry characteristics of said disorder throughout your life. Thankfully, however, in recent years much research has been done, and many people are now in “recovery” or “remission” from various disorders.

    With that being said, it could just be that he is a 13 year old boy who is testing the boundaries and waters of life.

    Either way, I would definitely seek the guidance of a therapist and or psychiatrist.

    X
    theangryflower

  3. I would advise to never let a suspected lie pass unacknowledged. Not by accusing, but by staing you know it’s an untruth. When my son of BPD father tries the same patterns and tries to turn stuff around on me, I say ok that is what you thought and you say I didn’t make myself clear so here we are being clear. (State rules or agreement here), then they can’t try the same lie the next time and in future make your intentions and any agreements clear even if you have to write it down. I say what I want and what I’m agreeing to then get him to repeat it back to me. He often gives up on the gaslighting when I won’t budge and I use the exact words he has used when we made an agreement. Yes this is childish behaviour to use little lies and “but I thought..” “i didn’t know..” “you should’ve said…” to hide the fact they want things their way. It only works for them when we give in, doubt ourselves and forget that it’s a ploy to control their environment. I handle him like the child he is, not by patronising him but by remembering he’s in a Game to win his objective whatever that is at the time and will play you with basic tactics of confusing and wearing you down to get his way. I have to ignore most of his attempts to control his environment and state in strong terms what I want. He often does what I want when I am clear and make a deal about it and stick to it. If I ask, expect, assume, hope, dream, wish, be vague, be indirect, suggest or use my feelings to get sympathy like “I’m tired don’t you think you could help me by doing the washing up” he will use any of that as an excuse for not doing a single thing. If I’m strong and say “after dinner you are washing up today” He can’t argue I didn’t tell him, or he thought I meant blah blah… Direct, firm and reasonable without emotion works just fine. I love my son I hate that I see so many of his BPD father’s tactics in his day to day interactions with people, but I won’t leave him be to get worse or desert him when he most likely feels terribly insecure and is trying to control his environment so he feels safe because of our parenting and exposure to our dynamic whilst raising him. He’s still my child and I’ll love hi and do my best for him by using what I’ve learnt from my relationship with his dad to help him. Best of luck to you.


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