The Frog’s Tale

There is a parable that claims if you plunge a frog into a pot of boiling water it will jump out immediately.  If you put a frog into cool water and slowly turn up the heat, the frog doesn’t notice what’s happening and will eventually cook.

The day started out as a perfectly normal day.  After dropping our boys off at school I grabbed the mail on my way in the door.  It contained the usual bills, junk mail and a hand written letter addressed to my husband James.

I was a little curious about the letter so I opened it first as I walked into the kitchen.  I didn’t fully understand what I was reading.  Something about legal aid, claiming welfare payments, paternity testing, contacting a lawyer, signing some paperwork. Why was someone writing to James about this?  It didn’t make any sense to me until one phrase stood out.  ‘You are the father of Taylor and Shannon’

Oh God, he’s gone and got someone pregnant. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach and anger at this final betrayal welled up from deep inside me.  I let out a shuddering moan before I turned and ran straight into the bedroom waving the letter in the air and screaming ‘WHAT’S THIS?  WHAT’S GOING ON?’

James, startled awake by my noise, sat up slowly rubbing his eyes.  ‘What’s the matter, what are you going on about?’  I handed the letter to him wordlessly.  He didn’t look surprised or upset as he slowly starting reading.

I waited for James to say something – anything – that would make this all go away.  I tried desperately to push away the fear and grief threatening to explode out of me.  James will be able to explain this, it can’t be true, she must have the wrong person, he’ll look up and tell me it’s a mistake any minute now, he couldn’t have got someone pregnant, he promised me he stopped, he couldn’t have stopped, how old are they, when did it happen, it must be true, it sounded true, what am I going to do, how am I going to tell the children, what will they think, where will we go, she must be lying.  Faster and faster the thoughts and questions went round and round in my head as I tried to find a rational explanation.

I couldn’t hold in the anger and pain any longer.  I burst into sobs and screamed at him ‘Did you know about this?  Is this true? I can’t even work out if it’s boys or girls?’

He looked up and quietly said ‘It’s two little girls of course’.


  1. You certainly grabbed me with this!

  2. Hi. I love ur blog. So well written with raw honesty.. Ps don’t hit send on that email about not picking the boys up! Yes ur in the right but what will it achieve but more frustration for ur self.. Pick ur battles to win the war!.. Something I have been meaning to share.. I read this book yrs ago on aspergers .. ” look me in the eye”.. Written by te brother of the guy who wrote ” running with scissor’s.. I found it helped me manage my interactions with someone I know that has aspergers . You suddenly stop feeling frustrated that the empathy level is not where it should be & go ok.. This is how he see’s what I’m going thru or saying..

    • Hi, thanks so much for the compliment, it is appreciated. No I didn’t hit send. I rarely do, but it is therapeutic to get it out on paper. And now therapeutic to blog it! Have definately learned to pick my battles and this isn’t one of them. And this is the hubbie with a personality disorder, not the one with Aspergers! I will certainly look at that book though to help me with hubbie #2. I have slept on the issue with hubbie # 1 and have come up with a solution overnight – and he also emailed me. There will be second installment to this situation – I will keep you updated. x

  3. Thanks for following my blog. It reminds me that it has now got too long and unwieldy and I need to provide a guide to the salient points. I will read yours too. I spend a lot of reflecting on the impact on the impact of addiction on the spouse. Reading blogs from spouses helps me gain a view on that world. It’s truly humbling – cheers . Simon

    • Thank you for reading mine. It is a journey for both partners, a very different journey though. My marriage didn’t make it, but I believe there were other underlying problems and the sex addiction was a symptom of a personality disorder. I am now over 5 years out of that marriage and I am still learning and discovering new nuances. I am writing a memoir about our relationship. That has been therapeutic and enlightening. I learned that I wasn’t to blame and probably couldn’t have done anything differently other than get out earlier. But we all have our own journey and it sounds like you are getting through yours slowly. Happy to talk ‘off-line’ if I can help with anything. FT

  4. I have always likened our situations to “Boiled Frog Syndrome”. What an appropriate image for a future book jacket 🙂

    • Thanks and here’s hoping.

  5. I live in Sydney and have a husband that displays serious NPD and psychopathic traits. I’m exhausted from trying to deal with him and have become a dot of the person I once was. Do you know of any support groups in Sydney for women trying to get out and who can tell me that it’s not me that’s crazy (which he constantly tells me!). Thank you.

    • Hi there, I keep this blog anonymous so if you could send me a message and an email address via my Facebook Page (link on side bar) I will respond. Not quite sure how else to do it anonymously. Thanks FT

  6. Thank you all for posting. My situation would take a book to tell. I have been going thru divorce process almost two year. During the marriage, He went from being this sweep you off the feet, almost intoxicating man I feel in love with, to a monster, (for no lack of better term). All the sign were there of cheating, yet no matter what I had found, he had an explanation. He would even get other people involved with convincing me what a great husband I had and I need to seek therapy. The strategic brainwashing campaign lasted 15 years, until I finally show his true face, the face of pure evil. When he met, he had nothing, we were young but I was this bright-eyed ambitious college student. He lied about everything. It was not until we were married, I found myself driving him at 4am to work, because he had no driver’s license. He had dropped out in 9th grade and I did all his work to get his hs diploma. He has a felony record, that I “was not his fault” and my parents help seal and pay all fines. This list goes on and on. Slowly, he was able to completely strip me of every ounce of my self esteem, isolate me, make me feel worthless. He finally got caught cheating with a neighbor and then, girls came out of the wood work. During this time, he pursued me, threatened suicide, told me he just needed help and not to give up on him, called my parents and friends to profess his remorse and sorrow. Everyone was on board, he convinced me that he would rather kill himself than every lie to me again or hurt me. Things were or seemed good for awhile, and then the red flags started. If I brought them up, the crazy making and abusive would begin all again followed by his stellar performance that he was in love with me, etc. This all came to a head when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, and after countless moves, (military related), I was informed that he had been having an affair with one of his military recruits (age 18 and criminal in military). This proceeded to the worst years of my life. He would cry and promise the world, only to have someone send me a video tape of him having sex. I could not wrap my head around any of this. When his mask finally came off, I realized this man has never loved me, he tortured me and took my youth, broke down every inch of me. I was a strong woman. He has had affairs, with nearly every girl that has crossed his path. It is predatorily. He even contacted my babysitter that was 16 at time, saying inappropriate things. He has slept with most of his soldiers. He now, made the rank he was striving for. Set himself up and I have medical problems and he has made it a priority to ensure I live in poverty. Even though, I have our two children. He is father of the year, when there is an audience and does not follow through on any promises he makes. He is starting to use the same verbally abusive tactics on my oldest. He threatens to take them away any chance, has dragged me to court over frivolous charges, has gone in the courtroom and poker face lies about everything. this man cannot take a breathe without lying, even for the simplest of things, like if he flew or drove. He is now engaged and going to have a baby. I see the same cycle. I just don’t want to deal with him, It frustrates me that the court does not account for the tremendous unseen scars that a person like this causes, to anyone in their lives. He uses the parent alienation, as a weapon if I step in to protect my children. He tells everyone what a victim he is and makes up horrible lies about me. He should not be in a position of authority, even though he is, He abuses it constantly. He will never do anything unless it is self serving. I had hoped this would be over but having children with a psychopath, how do I continue on like this? Please any advice would be appreciated. I wish the media would cover this. It is a slow death at the hands of a person with no conscience. He sucked the life out of me, the light in my eyes is gone, I do recognize the person staring at me, I pick myself up, even financially, spiritually, emotionally devastated, for my children. I worry that he will eventually cause them great harm.

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