I haven’t posted in long time. I was thinking to myself only the last few days it was because I was finally getting over having to co-parent with a narcissistic sociopathic ex husband. It has got marginally easier with the children getting older (14 and 17) and new orders in place that mean that we don’t have to be in contact by email nearly as much.
There are downsides to such limited communication though. He has to organise things through the kids – and they are kids! They forget what he has told them, or to ask important questions – like ‘how are we getting to your place’ or ‘when are you picking us up for the holidays’! But on balance not knowing what is going on is easier than having to communicate with him and I have learned to deal with uncertainty.
I was even thinking that maybe the other people who blog about narcissistic exes for years after they have left might not be dealing with it in the best way. Maybe they are rehashing over and over again things best left behind when it is time to move on?
I do understand that, like me, we want to educate other people about what to look for so they don’t make the same mistakes as us, to advise and support people who aren’t as far into the journey as we are. I often feel that the only good thing to come out of my awful experiences are that I can help others.
But I was also feeling that maybe it was time to move on. To concentrate on other more important things in my life, the health and happiness of myself and my children, my career, friends.
I was thinking all of this.
And then more cr*p has happened and a nasty email lands in my inbox – and I know that I am not quite ready to stop writing about it and I haven’t quite ‘moved on’. I still get angry and fire back an email I probably shouldn’t. I am not ‘holier than thou’ – I am a normal person dealing with an abnormal situation and I still get upset and pissed off at him.
Will tell you the ‘private health cover’ saga soon – and then the ‘passport’ saga – and finish off the ‘iphone saga’ another day. Putting it out into cyberspace gets it off my chest and makes me feel better. And leaves a concrete history about the saga that is my life co-parenting with a narcopath. Something I hope I will one day look back on with relief when it is over.
But until that time …. I’m back
The Frog's Tale 
I struggle with that too, the questioning of at what point do you move on and at what point is it right and good and necessary to be angry and hold your boundaries. I think it takes continued work on your triggers, but I don’t know that it ever goes away with this person. I believe we are not wired to accept that kind of treatment, where someone so effectively and consistently bullies and squashes us.They do it through the kids, through the courts, any way they can. It’s like having an allergy…it is a chronic condition.
Maybe being angry doesn’t mean you haven’t let it go. Maybe it means you need to be heard and you won’t ever be heard by him.
By: unofficialnarcissist on September 15, 2014
at 9:15 pm
Hi and thanks so much for your comment. You are spot on. I do need to be heard and I won’t ever be heard by him. Doesn’t matter what I say or do or however many times I point out the facts and what he has done over the years – he thinks he is right and I am wrong, he is perfect and I am a money grabbing terrible mother.
None of us get validation, understanding or apologies from people like this. We never get closure.
Writing something that the whole world can see and more importantly other people can understand – gets us the validation and closure from strangers that we will never get from the father of our children. Thanks so much for showing me that this is what this is about and helping me understand.
That is why we all still post.
By: frogstale on September 15, 2014
at 9:30 pm
Welcome to the world of limited communication…these emotions get me too…I think it’s having contact after the peace of no/low contact-our minds and bodies go into overdrive with hormones with it…
By: Army of Angels on September 15, 2014
at 9:21 pm
Thanks Army of Angels – you are right too. I was enjoying having little to do with him and then wham – my son fractures his wrist in sports and I am getting nasty emails coming at me accusing me of this that and the other. All pure projection of course, but it still has the power to make me so angry and wanting to just tell him what I truly think of him. Not that it will achieve anything. Thanks for your understanding.
By: frogstale on September 15, 2014
at 9:32 pm
I’m so happy you’re back. I’ve been there…thinking the craziness would slow down and if I stopped blogging it may disappear from the front of my brain. But like you, his attempts of control rear up all the time. It’s a battle that won’t go away. Welcome back!
By: Lori on October 26, 2014
at 8:21 am